Published February 2, 2009
you are the sky, but I am no more than a jumping fish.
I am caught in a frozen river
seperated from you by an unbreakable sheet of translucent ice only a centimeter thick!!!
I can see you, I want to breathe your fresh angelic winds, but I can't.
It hurts so much
forever drowning
I seem to flounder in vain.
The cold is numbing
like a sub-zero aneurism.
ice diamonds churning in my blood,
cut free of my flesh and scatter into the depths.
I reach an internal impasse.
will this kill me?
will I let it?
do I really have a choice?
to live or die are my only options!?
well to stop loving the sky is out of the question...
hmph, it's just as well
as long I keep saying "I love her"
the cracks in the ice
get bigger.
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141,311 Literary Works • 674,340 Reviews
Great beginning, and great metaphor! I really like this line, but...
...how can a fish jump if it's trapped by a sheet of ice? Maybe "swimming fish" would work better, or something of the like. Also, period after thick. And it's "separated." Aside from those grammar errors, I like the imagery here.
Again, I like.
Change "It's hurts" to "It hurts." Also, I think it would be good with this punctuation:
"It hurts so much,
forever drowning.
I seem to flounder in vain."
But that's just me.
Aneurysm. Or aneurism. They're both correct. Also, at space in front of the fourth line should go. Punctuation and capitalization is off. But I like the idea and how you presented it.
Impasse.
There's another extra space there. I like this bit of questioning, letting the reader see the speaker's inner turmoil.
Okay, both of these lines are good, but they don't fit. They're a different style from the rest of the poem and just kind of throws me off. Consider:
"Are to live or die my only options?
Well, to stop loving the sky is out of the question."
Maybe you could add a line saying why it's out of the option. Expand on her merits.
I don't like the hmph. I mean, I know what you're trying to get across, but it just doesn't belong there. Find a different way to convey that emotion, or just take it out entirely.
I love this ending. I like the persistence in the speaker.
Over all, this is a great poem. I really, really love the conceit (aka extended metaphor). You get the feeling of frustration that the speaker has to be separated from the thing he loves. And the resolve in the end to keep loving the sky/her.
I just love it.
Nice concept. Well written and very heart felt. The only problem I have with this is how you organized it. I'm not sure that this was the right way to organize it let me say that first I really am only giving an opinion and secound take it to heart because I rarely critique style. What I'm saying is that some of the loner lines I think should be shortened to match the rest of it you go from short to really long then right back to short. the message behind this is great how two things that shouldn't be together manage to make a change anyways it is really beautiful I would just work on what I said though.